Let’s Talk Toxic Positivity

What is toxic positivity?

Toxic positivity is the idea that a person should remain positive no matter how dire the situation.

Examples include:

• “Just stay positive!”

• “You’ll be fine. Things will get better.”

• “You just need to change your attitude.”

• “Choose to be happy!”

• “Your negative attitude manifested your situation.”

Why is it harmful?

Reaching out for support is difficult for many people. If a person is struggling and confides in someone, they may be in a fragile mental state.

Responses like the previous examples are dismissive, reject a person’s emotions, and ignores the reality that all emotions are valid - and we ALL experience them.

Toxic positivity can also cause someone who is struggling to experience shame, feel that they are responsible for their suffering, and can escalate to a crisis level depending on their mental state.

How to Provide Essential Support

Validation is essential. When a person is very emotional, even just validating what they are feeling or going through can have lifesaving benefits.

• Examples of what to say:

  • “I can hear how much pain you are in. I’m so sorry.”

  • “It makes sense why you are feeling that way.”

  • “What you are going through is incredibly hard.”

• If you don’t know what to say, just listening can be helpful:

  • “I may not know what to say, but I am here to listen.”

  If a person expresses feelings of suicidality, crisis, or you are afraid for their safety, referring to crisis resources is paramount.

Avoid Giving Advice

Giving advice is harmful because it portrays to someone that you know what is best for them more than they do. It can also be as dismissive as toxic positivity responses.

Instead of hearing how a person is feeling or struggling, advice giving is a form of shutting a person down. It sends the message that you don’t want to hear what they are saying and can communicate a sense of superiority.

Giving unsolicited advice on anything you don’t have experience with, or insight into what you have done or would do in similar situations can also be harmful to someone in a vulnerable state. They may also be willing to follow any advice, which can be dangerous.

Again, referring to general and crisis resources depending on the situation is vital.

Our full list of general and crisis resources for LGBTQ+ folx can be found here.

NOTE: While problem solving may be a knee-jerk reaction, or how you cope when you are distressed, it can hurt someone who just wants to be heard and validated.

In Summary

Things are especially hard right now for many people, especially those of us in the queer community, those of us who are part of other marginalized communities, or who are part of multiple marginalized communities.

Toxic positivity insinuates that a person is responsible for their suffering, or for what situation they are in.

Takeaway

1) Listen, don’t give advice.

2) Validation is essential.

Re-iterate to a person that you have heard them. While you can never understand the full scope of what a person’s situation is like for them, let them know you see how much pain or distress they may be in.

3) Refer to general & crisis resources if necessary.

A Joke for the Road

Say mental illness in the mirror three times and someone will appear in a “Live, Laugh, Love” t-shirt and ask you if you’ve tried going outside.